Oil and Water

Coming home from college was weird, especially the first time. It was like nothing changed, but everything changed at the exact same time. It gives you relief, yet also for me, it was like I didn't want get so attached to all the things I was so familiar with. I think I am a lot like that with people in the same sense. I wouldn't say I get attached easily because I'm careful with being extremely guarded. And I think being shy adds to that too. Well, are most people guarded? I am not exactly sure, maybe we all are, but in different kind of ways. And we all have reasons from past experiences or it could be subconsciously the way we grew up.  I think it's smart to be guarded, but only to a certain extent. If you are closed off to all capable relationships, then there may be a problem there. You will never learn to grow with people and especially within yourself.

Anyway, it's easy to push others away, for me at least. I have learned that investing almost your whole heart and emotions into relationships becomes draining. And it sounds selfish, I know, where a year ago I remember being such a crutch for people. It got me nowhere, except a title of a good friend and great, (yes great) comfort to others. It is one of my strong qualities, where I have learned now to wrap in rarity, giving it to those who earn it. While I have found many refreshing new friendships, I know that I'll always hold on to those old, golden friendships that never took advantage of me. And I won't miss the ones that did. But sometimes, you can't help but feel disconnected to the places and the people you are so familiar with. I mean feeling closed off and bitter, questioning not only those relationships, but where my new sense of perspective is leading me. It's like my vision of what I want out of relationships and out of life is a little clearer, but my judgment hazier. And lately, I have felt some sort of disconnection. It is nobody to blame, but myself. I question where my heart is and why I haven't felt God's presence recently. Because if I don't feel connected to God, then I can't feel connected in my relationships. And just now, I realized the answer to my sense of disconnection.