10 Steps to the Change of Heart

How to put pride and bitterness aside.

1. Reevaluate your heart.
2. Fully recognize the causes and reasons.
3. Be honest with yourself.
4. Be honest with God.
5. Pray for a change of heart.
6. Pray.
7. Act.
8. Wait.
9. Free the heart and mind of any unhealthy pieces of the past.
10. Love & pray.

"All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is exclusively my own". 

And we'll hate what we lost, but we'll love what we find.

A late night of blogging begins...I  swear, there are so many nights where I plan on going to bed a tad earlier, and then I end up wasting my time:). Well I say the night is still young! And part of me doesn't want the day to end just yet (even though it technically now is a new day, whatever we can pretend).

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[A photo series taken last summer. An interesting...frustrating story behind the camera, but that is besides the point right now.]

Long story short, I was going to the gym today and lost my gym ID and driver's license on the way there. How? I don't bring my entire wallet to the gym usually, sheesh. Well, I got to the parking lot and was searching all over for them in my car, I thought I just forgot and left them back home, so I drove back to find them not there either. I was looking everywhere from under the car seats to my room, retracing my steps. I was super confused! I was sure I brought them with me in the car...didn't I? They ended up being on top of the bathroom sink. Whaaaa? I don't even remember being there, but I guess that I had just stopped by in there to look in the mirror like the girl I am. Weird.

The way we search for things seems (at times), more important than the things themselves. I feel like I always try to look for something better in my life. It's like trying to swim in an empty ocean trying to fill myself up with nothing. I am pretty much using broken binoculars. Do you believe that we end up finding what we're looking for, when we're not actually looking? But then, it's like I am focusing on trying not to search for that one thing, in order to find it...but that motive is still trying to find it. Ya know?  I think it takes a lot to clear your mind and focus on what we have, rather what we don't. It has been so difficult to do that.

I just hope that God leads us to something FAR more important than what we want, what we are trying to find. The sky is constantly changing just as we are, everyday, and so does the direction we are headed...but we will end up where we need to be, the invisible dot on the map we have laying out in front of us. All I know is that it is an electrifying thought to think about how different plans will turn out to be, in the greatest way possible. It is truly a struggle sometimes to put my complete faith in His plan and maintain that focus. We have to, at one point, or another, get over ourselves(!) and what we desire, and put our confidence in the One and Only with everything we do with fruit...especially patience. And especially for me...
  

Into the world of fashion

Hello! Summer is almost coming to an end and I have been burnt out with shopping. I am a little, maybe more than a little addicted to shopping. I hope this blog therapy will give me a break from buying. It all started with the digital world of shopping this summer...AKA, online shopping. But you see, I had a reason, alright? I will be going to 2 weddings this August in Toronto and Vancouver and needed to find some wonderful dresses. So, my online shopping thrill began on Forever 21. And then, I started to really get into researching these cool, indie/vintage stores online. Some of my top choices that were found include: Urbanog.com, Modcloth.com, and Shopruche.com. If you haven't heard of any of these stores, I would highly recommend checking them out, the most expensive in that list would be Modcloth, the other ones have pretty reasonable and cheap prices in the sales, comparable to Forever21. Their styles have become my favorite.

I have really noticed that this season, the things that are most trending are: bright colors, pastels specifically Mint color, chiffon material, sleeveless collared shirts(I have been seeing these everywhere!), pants with patterns/prints, and stripes(but when isn't it?). I would say that my style has definitely changed since last year. My best guy friend asked me how I would define my style, and I had a hard time putting any labels. This friend and I had a very long argument about the stores JCrew and Urban Outfitters. Totally different styles, right? Anyways, he argued that JCrew has a very defined style, while Urban does not. While I agree that JCrew has a specific style(classy/preppy) that is targeted at 25-40 year olds, I think Urban Outfitters is "defined" by how a girl chooses to wear their clothing. It does have some pretty crazy stuff, but I also think it has very nice clothing items. How do you think you would label your favorite stores fashion??? While Urban is my second favorite, I would say it is creative, fun, and maybe a little wannabe hipster. My friend had pointed out that Urban encourages a bit of "slutty"-ness in their clothing.  I think that this honestly depends on HOW the girl chooses to wear something, because you can find very inappropriate clothes anywhere. But it depends on how the girl styles it and chooses to wear it. I do not think it is fair to generalize a store in that way. Each individual has their own style and it all varies!

Do most people have a set consistent style that they stick with? Or do you think that it can mix? Another point argued was whether a person will only shop at stores that contribute to their style. For example, can a girl shop at both stores such as JCrew and say, Urban or Forever21?  I think many girls have a variety of styles in their wardrobe, so yes, I do think they can, but it does go both ways. Let's face it though, realistically, most of us will shop conveniently for cheap, nice finds. It's the smart way to shop.

Hot Sauce

I am imagining myself right now laying out in the desert, with the blazing sun shining on my dark hair and feeling the hot sand seeping through my toes. Right now, I feel heated up...and I am no longer referring to the desert anymore. There are just so many things that get on my nerves, but there are a few specific ones. There is one for example the way a parent will guilt trip you just to get you to do something. And this will go on and on until it seems like they are just purposely trying to annoy you. Just because one parent goes to work for the night, means the other has the freedom to do whatever they want?

A few of my other pet peeves, are when people don't listen. Simple as that. Anyone who plainly does not listen to what I have to say, which I don't really have much of sometimes, (which gives you even more reason to do so) makes me feel as if I need to shout. I can't talk to somebody who obviously ignores what I say and continue to talk about themselves. Isn't a conversation all about reciprocating? You can talk about yourselves all you want when and if I decide to become a therapist.

My lasts that surely gets my blood flowing are flakiness and lying. I come home this summer and realize that there is so much of this flakiness in some of my old high school friends. I can't say that this was because they have changed or because maybe my perspective has changed, but it has made me lose my faith and trust in some people. I realize my values and morals have morphed a little bit, and will continue to do so. I have a couple of really great close friends, and I would honestly do anything for them. In the long run, I would rather have a few close friends and my family in my life, than a bunch 'O fakes...does this sound like a cereal???
And if you are still reading, I can talk about how most people will not tolerate lying, and I just so happen to be one of them. I honestly(no pun intended), don't see the point in it. Honesty is my number 1 in most of my relationships. I can hold high standards for people but I know most can agree with me on this one. I can't tell you that I have never lied in my life before, so call me a hypocrite but I can say presently that I can't lie. I mean I can't, I am the worst liar ever.

Anyways, this was all I wanted to say. I really do think though, if there is one thing I need to work on, it would be improving my temper. It would be surprising to most people to know about, but here I am listening to The xx trying to calm myself down.
I suddenly remember this great verse: He that is slow to anger has great understanding; But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly. -Proverbs 14:29 

P.S. This song is nothing but peaceful, and beautiful. Give it a listen. (Can't wait for their new album!)

My photography's worst revealed

Hello! So, I was looking through some of my old photo files in my computer and found some pretty interesting shots. Some interesting crap pictures. I'm not going to turn this into another photography blog, I promise, but...I thought it would be funny to post some of my pictures from when I first started doing photography 5 years ago.
Here are some of my worst shots, enjoy:

 I guess this was a mushroom???

 A great big puff of an amateur, worse than amateur shot.

 And another.

 An edited, way under contrast photo. A flashback to MySpace.

 Strawberries? Why do I remember this night?

Emo.

 A blurry...night.

 Nice.

An awesome window.

I don't know what to say anymore.

Alright, those really are some pictures. I have a lot more pictures that I saved, for some reason, in my photography folders but I can't bear to look at any more. Plus, I won't make you endure any more of that. I save photos in folders of every single year and I look back through all of them sometimes. I've really come a long way from when I started 5 years ago, but I obviously have so much more to learn now. Each of those photos do have a specific memory, which is why I save most of them. To those who have not heard of my photo site, here it is if you would like to check it out.
http://jngphotography.tumblr.com

What's your high?

When I was in elementary school, I was one of those shy kids who never raised their hands. And when I rarely did, it was only because there was a reason. I remember there were times I did it just to try to prove that I wasn't as quiet as I had led on people to believe. But since I rarely did, it was because I could care less. Other times, I tried motivating myself to do so. What was this motivation? Well, I thought about the video games I would get to play when I got home...in particular Spyro. Only a true 90's kid would understand how great Spyro was. Anyways, I find it really strange that we all subconsciously have these extrinsic motivations inside of us that help push us a little bit further, or help us get through the day. I bet most people think about the future, pushing to a certain reward. How many of us actually think about the present, focusing on what we are doing right now, without any hint of what lies ahead? I am certain there are people that do do this, and they are pretty smart for it. I know I think about the future all the time, not only from a year or two from now, but the night or hour ahead. It is a fact that if we have something to look forward to, we tend to be happier. As stupid as it sounds, these motivations could be a TV show, a night out with friends, a date, a new music album coming out, waiting on a clothing order, a paycheck...etc. These are all extrinsic motivations.
So when do we have intrinsic ones, a internal motivation? We might come across these from time to time over good deeds, but I guess I'm referring to more ourselves. One such as growing as an individual, or learning more about your passion because it makes you feel alive. These are the best kinds. It makes you feel as if that crappy morning didn't exist, or that the failed relationships you had don't matter. It suddenly helps adjust your perspective a little bit. It makes you proud. Everyone has something that adds a little spice to their life, it flickers a flame in our hearts. For me, it's obviously photography. After I did a photo shoot for a friend of mine about a week ago, my mood jumped about a thousand levels. It was the morning light, the feel of clicking the shutter on my new camera, the happiness shown through the pictures, the new ideas, the angles, the perception...it was everything that I was learning about in that moment. And in that moment, I couldn't bear to think about the future, because the way I felt in that time zone was all that mattered. This is something that everybody needs to find, a high in their life. And if you do, you'll be addicted for, well forever.

I like music more than you

Big Jet Plane by Angus and Julia Stone

I have recently really gotten into this music artist, they produce some really quality music. :)
So far, I present you with a list of my top summer songs:

Angus and Julia Stone~Big Jet Plane, Paper Aeroplane, Mango Tree, And The Boys
(Mellow, folk/acoustic, genius lyrics)

First Aid Kit~Blue, Hard Believer
(Indie/folk)
Best Coast~The Only Place, Up All Night, How They Want Me To Be
(Indie rock, surf pop)
Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.~Simple Girl
(Indie pop)
Summer Camp~Better Off Without You,  Losing My Mind
(Indie 80's synth-pop)

Check them out.

I recently read this article about how music changes our brain in 5 different ways. The first way is that it changes our ability to perceive time. I think that's pretty self-explanatory, obviously we listen to music to pass time when we aren't interested in, say, I don't know, what our parents have to say sometimes. The second is how it can be associated with fear, like how horror movies make us jump right out of our seat. Imagine scary movies with pleasant harmonic music, now that would no longer be the same. Music makes us physically stronger, well duh...exercising would suck without music. We would probably be working out to our whine-y thoughts if we didn't have any music. Another, apparently, it affects how much we drink and what we drink.  Classical music goes with expensive wine, and with other different music, it affects the way people describe their drinks. Good thing I have my Asian flush to warn me. And lastly, music makes us better communicators. Those who study music can express themselves well and understand/recognize the emotions of other people better. I guess this is why musicians are hot...

On a totally different note for us girls, I read on a separate article that music affects the way we put on our makeup...

For a "natural & daytime" look, listen to indie or classical music.

"Bright & Colorful" look=techno/dance.

"Experimental & Avantgarde"=lounge/chill (I don't know what that means either).

"Vintage"=Period(music from different times)

"Dramatic & Club-Worthy"=Pop/Hip Hop

"Bronze & Beachy"=Surf/Ska

I think it left out a few music genres...like what about screamo??? I think that would be just a great look to achieve...

Well, now you know what kind of music to listen to when you want to achieve a specific look haha...or just do whatever the hell you want in silence.

Oil and Water

Coming home from college was weird, especially the first time. It was like nothing changed, but everything changed at the exact same time. It gives you relief, yet also for me, it was like I didn't want get so attached to all the things I was so familiar with. I think I am a lot like that with people in the same sense. I wouldn't say I get attached easily because I'm careful with being extremely guarded. And I think being shy adds to that too. Well, are most people guarded? I am not exactly sure, maybe we all are, but in different kind of ways. And we all have reasons from past experiences or it could be subconsciously the way we grew up.  I think it's smart to be guarded, but only to a certain extent. If you are closed off to all capable relationships, then there may be a problem there. You will never learn to grow with people and especially within yourself.

Anyway, it's easy to push others away, for me at least. I have learned that investing almost your whole heart and emotions into relationships becomes draining. And it sounds selfish, I know, where a year ago I remember being such a crutch for people. It got me nowhere, except a title of a good friend and great, (yes great) comfort to others. It is one of my strong qualities, where I have learned now to wrap in rarity, giving it to those who earn it. While I have found many refreshing new friendships, I know that I'll always hold on to those old, golden friendships that never took advantage of me. And I won't miss the ones that did. But sometimes, you can't help but feel disconnected to the places and the people you are so familiar with. I mean feeling closed off and bitter, questioning not only those relationships, but where my new sense of perspective is leading me. It's like my vision of what I want out of relationships and out of life is a little clearer, but my judgment hazier. And lately, I have felt some sort of disconnection. It is nobody to blame, but myself. I question where my heart is and why I haven't felt God's presence recently. Because if I don't feel connected to God, then I can't feel connected in my relationships. And just now, I realized the answer to my sense of disconnection. 

Insomnia's best

It would be ideal to share now about how my first year of college has changed me in all sorts of inspiring and challenging ways (blah, blah, blah) but I would rather talk about other things right now...besides, this blog isn't ready for it yet.
Anyways, I am thinking about how as I grow older, I just stay up later and later especially during my first year of college. It was something I grew adjusted to, and its weird thinking that in high school 11 pm was late. But it's usually pretty normal for young adults to stay up late as they grow older, right? Just not to the age of 40 or so. Unless you're my 80 something year old grandma who stays up around 3 in the morning doing who knows what. I get insomnia every now and then, because well...I think too much??? My mind gets clouded with the tiniest details and thoughts leading to even crazier and weird thoughts. I don't think about what I did during the day, but more rather the things I should have said, the surroundings that I didn't pay enough attention to that day(and oh I realize so much), the people I haven't thought about in awhile, the future, and sparks of new ideas. I find myself the most creative during these late nights, with my brain not exactly active, but my mind on high energy. And if you think the brain and the mind are the same...boy, are you wrong. I wrote this a couple of weeks ago during one of my insomniac nights.

I sunk in my new bed filling my mind with water
Opening my hands but closing my eyes
Swallowing an unfamiliar taste of salt
The records playing in the background,
telling us how to feel
Rather, you see, I pick up my tea
Closing my hands, opening my eyes
Feeling nothing in a familiarity
I tear my map slowly and carefully
Watching the crowd fight to collect the pieces
and the noises try to drown me
Rather, you see, I pick up my tea

The problem is I never know what to call writing like this...I mean, is it a lame attempt of poetry? Or are they lyrics? Maybe neither? I wasn't sure if it made any sense after I finished writing this around 2 am, especially finding myself correcting some lines in my sleep. But I assure you, it is open to interpretation. I knew I hadn't written any poetry/lyrics for my own enjoyment, so I picked off where I left off a year ago, and started writing again. And man, did it feel good. Good like hydrating yourself with cold water on a hot, dry day.

Welcome???

Well hi. How do I begin this blog??? I could give an awesome cliché introduction, but I think I'll pass. I had been thinking about all my past writing and journals lately, and figured I sorta missed it. I've been through so many different blogging sites in the past like Xanga(oh the good days...), LiveJournal, Tumblr, and of course my journals; maybe about 3 or so...my first I started in elementary, one the end of middle school to my end of high school Freshmen year, and then Sophmore year through Senior year. Oh, I did also have a dream journal and a journal for lyrics/poems. I am surprised I actually wrote so much in those journals. The best part is reading through those old entries, and wanting to punch yourself because you realize how stupid and illogical you were. It's quite embarrassing to read through them, I can't read past two entries. I stopped writing in my recent journal last because I figured my fresh start in college wouldn't involve writing in a journal, nor did I have much time. And I thought my life would be more exciting without writing about it :). I was super hesitant on starting a new blog but here we are. Writing has always been the second greatest outlet for me, behind photography, and I think this new blog will certainly prove it to be true.