A MOVE

Sorry to all my faithful blogger followers (the many few of you)...
but I have now changed my blog accounts over to WordPress.
You can now read about my exciting life here:

http://Subconsciousthinkng.wordpress.com

peace.

A First for Everything

I was reluctant on writing about something that I experienced this week, because somehow, writing about something changes it. But, I am deciding to break the hesitation. I'm lazy, so it will be short and sweet, I wouldn't call the experience exactly sweet though.

Driving to get some yogurt and dessert after dinner with your friends is completely normal right? A nice night in Pasadena was what I was expecting... having a nice dinner, seeing all the small, illuminated shops side by side against the night of the sky, and having good conversations in the car. You don't think about what's going to happen next; the next footsteps you will take, or the next phone call you will make. Time just passes by, faster than your next decision. My thoughts start trailing away as I sat in the back of my friend's car, and something just happened. I opened my eyes to the smell of car exhaust and worried cries. "You guys ran a red light! You're drunk!", is what this old bitter man yelled at us. But it was green. The light was green and we all knew it. (Why is he still even talking?) The man's wife was sweet, sweet like a lemon covered in sugar. She got nicer in the end though. I will always remember the bitter old man and his wife, the expressions of my friends' faces, the smell of the car smoke, the way I got out of the car with one flip flop, the shattered glass, the image of the intersection, the way my friend's blue Mustang looked, but especially I'll remember how lucky we all were. You just never know what will happen next. And so... we were picked up and driven away from one of my firsts.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:5-8

Coolness

It has been awhile since I have blogged...but not as long as I thought it would be for this post. I am sneaking in a short one before I go to lunch and to my lovely 1:05 afternoon class :). Tuesdays and Thursdays are my heaven...sleeping in and only two classes. What more could a college student ask for? Well maybe no class at all, but that's not gonna happen anytime soon. It is weird to think that this is only my third week of school. It feels like it has been a month or so. So much goodness has come out of these few weeks so far, I am loving living in an apartment with four of my closest friends. Our apartment complex has so much community, plus we have the best RA ever! I feel sorry at times for our neighbors to the right at times, (which consists of all boys) because they have to deal with our craziness and loud voices. But they deal with it and come over at spontaneous times, to either say hi or to see what in the world is going on. I am so gracious for meeting the people that I have and growing in my relationships with them.
This year is going to be pretty busy...although I am taking only 15 credits this semester, they are not going to all be easy classes, but my professors are all pretty great. I recently got a photo internship at my school's office called University of Relations which deals with the visuals of our school. They are in charge of the graphic designs, editing, publishing, advertisement, and look of the school. I had emailed them spontaneously before school started without even thinking that they are hiring, to see if they had any openings. I felt like I just had to do it for some reason, and without hesitation, I did. I actually interviewed here last year and failed to get it...and they told me last week at my second interview, that they remembered me being a strong candidate and they didn't hire me because I was a freshmen and unfamiliar with the campus. I am not 100% convinced of that reason, but I am so happy that I got it this year. I just have been looking for photography opportunities for awhile. Over this summer I was a little upset that I didn't get a internship at Element One Studio and was really wondering when I'd get some type of opportunity. And it is always when you least expect it, that greater things come. Anyways, that is the most exciting thing in my life that is happening right now. If anything cooler happens, I'll be sure to publish it for the world to see...or for the few of you who actually read this...

If I were a boy...

I would not have to pack as much crap as I am in the process right now. I consider this post as an excuse for a break...besides, I haven't blogged in awhile and I thought I'd get a tiny one in before school and hecticness(?) begins. I know I will find myself lazy and not blog as much as I would like, but who knows I'll try I guess. Anyways, I might manage to pack everything with 2 suitcases(yes, 2! not 3!) this time, I learned my lesson from last year to not pack so many shoes (I never wear) and so many clothes(I never wear), well actually, I still have a ton of clothes but I think I'm lighter than before :). I find myself bringing more than necessary winter clothes, but it's California...I know. We live right near the mountains, so it's colder humidity wise. Surprisingly, the morning and nights get cold out in Azusa(nothing compared to Colorado of course), and we get a good amount of cloudy/rainy days. It sucks because I learned that I really looove winter clothing. Then this gets me thinking about the snow. And how California lacks this one great thing, but Christmas break will do me some justice. It was a hard decision choosing my cardigans to bring, I kept thinking, "Do I even wear these?" "How often am I going to even wear this?" I shoved away those thoughts, and packed about 6 cardigans...I'm a cardigan lover you see.  I know I'll always end up not wearing about half of the clothes I pack, but for some reason they are for the sake of having more options.
I am leaving tomorrow for California after a long, but lovely summer. This year, I am staying in an apartment with 4 of my friends. The place includes a kitchen, small living room, 2 bedrooms, and a bathroom. We have been planning all our decorations and ideas for months now and I can't wait to see what we will end up doing with it all. It will be super nice to have our own kitchen, but who am I kidding, I don't cook. I'm lazy...and my best dish would probably be an egg or a pancake. If only I cooked the Asian food the way my mom cooks it, then my stomach would be set. But instead, I honestly can say I don't have much of an interest in cooking. Baking, I can handle, but only do once in awhile. Hopefully I can learn to cook/bake more this year.
I am thrilled/nervous/anxious for this new year to come. Thinking about last year only makes me feel as if this year will be 10x better. So begins my journey tomorrow...

I Remember

Today was productive, as productive as I can get. This is what happens when I get back from a 9 day trip. I got my summer class transcript form mailed in, went to the gym, applied for an on campus job for this year, went out to cash in my coins($15! score), bought my Maybelline concealer I've been meaning to buy which required 2 tries as I bought too light of a color the first time and may I add in, it sucks trying to find the right concealer/foundation color(the seasons change and so does your skin color, gosh darn it) , and bought my first Apple Cider Vinegar. Do I hear an applause? I had never even heard about this vinegar, but I was reading about it and apparently, it is extremely healthy for you. Organically, it is a remedy for sickness, high blood pressure, diabetes, skin complexion(eczema), pets with fleas, high cholesterol, allergies, arthritis, weight loss, and so much more. It smells like strong sour wine, but just mix a bit in with water or with juice. I have become such a beauty junkie this summer, and what I mean by that is I have become addicted to finding health products/makeup, reading reviews on them, and trying them out for myself. SO, if you need any new makeup or beauty product recommendation, I'm your gal.

[Hey Ocean! - Islands]

I got back from Toronto just yesterday. It's weird all the little things I remember from being there when I was young. It was the first time visiting all my relatives there since about 7 years ago. The last time I was there, I  was a flower girl for my uncle's wedding. This time I was behind my awesome camera, photographing my cousin's wedding(the best I could). There was so much action and Asian craziness, I felt as if I was really rushing with my camera. Oh and there was sooo much food. You know, it really is a problem that I am Asian and hate seafood. I know, it doesn't make sense. Half the food in Toronto being presented was seafood. I will always be a picky girl.
Arriving in Toronto, I didn't remember the airport, the scenery, or weather, but I did recognize the smell of one of my aunt's house, the way the floor of the house felt and how I would try to avoid all the dirty/sticky spots, the feel of the restaurants all our families had gone to, the smell of certain stores at the Asian malls, and the familiar shyness I had with all my relatives. I used to follow my sister around all the time in our relatives' houses, I remember there was a point when she got mad at me and told me to stop.  I also remember my grandma but she did not remember me. She currently has Alzheimer's and is in Stage 6 or 7, I would say. My cousin was talking to her and I was observing. She sat on the couch folding her sweater over and over again in different folds. She kept telling us how pretty it was. We tried to get her to go outside, but she refused in a way where it seemed as if she was just uncomfortable and didn't understand. She usually sits on the couch and watches t.v., and gets fed/showered by an assistant. At this point, she doesn't recognize much of her family including my dad, she doesn't know what hunger or hygiene is, but she still can normally function. We would ask her questions and she would answer, but she does not know anything; where she is, who she is, time, and doesn't recognize faces. Some of my family thinks that her mentality is placed in old images, faces from the past, before her sickness.
I just think Alzheimer's is such a depressing, interesting, and complex disease. Somebody can forget all their common sense, knowledge, and function, but there HAS to be tiny things they remember. My aunt was singing a Christian song to her, trying to get her to recognize it, and she sang along with her.My grandma at one point also asked someone where my mom was. She laughs a lot, at unusual things or at nothing at all. Her mind is mentally gone, but her heart and spirit is there. It is incredible what cause of great loss Alzheimer's can do to the mind. I cannot imagine. Everyday, it is worth remembering the things we do and enjoy, love the faces we know, and fill our mind with even more beauty and knowledge before it one day, may be too late.

10 Steps to the Change of Heart

How to put pride and bitterness aside.

1. Reevaluate your heart.
2. Fully recognize the causes and reasons.
3. Be honest with yourself.
4. Be honest with God.
5. Pray for a change of heart.
6. Pray.
7. Act.
8. Wait.
9. Free the heart and mind of any unhealthy pieces of the past.
10. Love & pray.

"All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is exclusively my own". 

And we'll hate what we lost, but we'll love what we find.

A late night of blogging begins...I  swear, there are so many nights where I plan on going to bed a tad earlier, and then I end up wasting my time:). Well I say the night is still young! And part of me doesn't want the day to end just yet (even though it technically now is a new day, whatever we can pretend).

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[A photo series taken last summer. An interesting...frustrating story behind the camera, but that is besides the point right now.]

Long story short, I was going to the gym today and lost my gym ID and driver's license on the way there. How? I don't bring my entire wallet to the gym usually, sheesh. Well, I got to the parking lot and was searching all over for them in my car, I thought I just forgot and left them back home, so I drove back to find them not there either. I was looking everywhere from under the car seats to my room, retracing my steps. I was super confused! I was sure I brought them with me in the car...didn't I? They ended up being on top of the bathroom sink. Whaaaa? I don't even remember being there, but I guess that I had just stopped by in there to look in the mirror like the girl I am. Weird.

The way we search for things seems (at times), more important than the things themselves. I feel like I always try to look for something better in my life. It's like trying to swim in an empty ocean trying to fill myself up with nothing. I am pretty much using broken binoculars. Do you believe that we end up finding what we're looking for, when we're not actually looking? But then, it's like I am focusing on trying not to search for that one thing, in order to find it...but that motive is still trying to find it. Ya know?  I think it takes a lot to clear your mind and focus on what we have, rather what we don't. It has been so difficult to do that.

I just hope that God leads us to something FAR more important than what we want, what we are trying to find. The sky is constantly changing just as we are, everyday, and so does the direction we are headed...but we will end up where we need to be, the invisible dot on the map we have laying out in front of us. All I know is that it is an electrifying thought to think about how different plans will turn out to be, in the greatest way possible. It is truly a struggle sometimes to put my complete faith in His plan and maintain that focus. We have to, at one point, or another, get over ourselves(!) and what we desire, and put our confidence in the One and Only with everything we do with fruit...especially patience. And especially for me...